Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
