I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
