I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
