god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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