I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm getting married
To pizza
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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