***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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