sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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