Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
