Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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