return my video game
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
