I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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