I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
