So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
