woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
