I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Randomize
