Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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