I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
