The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
