I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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