Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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