At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
