My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
