OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
