Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
