Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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