U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
