there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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