I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
