Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
