did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
