Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
