i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
