i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
