Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
