I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
