We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
