Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize