i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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