Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
