And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
