He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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