i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
