if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
