Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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