and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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