rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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