Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
