Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
