Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Floor bacon is actually really good
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize