the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
and you fell through a lawn chair
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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