I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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