i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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