My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
