My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We have started to decorate penises.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
