I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Randomize
