I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
