nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
