Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
