I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
