hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
