anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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