It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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