I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
