did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
