girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
