Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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