I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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