I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
